COUGAR CULT is another execrable entry in the 1313 series of straight-to-video Z-movies. This one features scream queens Michelle Bauer, Brinke Stevens, and Linnea Quigley teaming up as a trio of witches who bring bedlam to a house of beefy young men. There's no more story to it than that, and most of the running time is padded out with interminable sequences of mostly naked young men showering with garden hoses and the like. There are a few godawful CGI effects and a lot of wooden acting, along with absolutely no reason to tune in.

For years, many people have considered "Plan 9 From Outer Space" to be the worst film ever made. However, in recent years I've seen quite a few films that are much worse than this Ed Wood epic--and "1313: Cougar Cult" would easily fall into this category.Three older women live in a mansion and run around in outfits showing off a lot of their cleavage. One by one, they invite young men to the home and instead of having sex with them, the women turn into CARTOON cougars and kill them. Yes, I am serious, they transform into cougar-like cartoons!! It's full of lots of double-entendres but instead of showing skin, the ladies transform and kill. The acting is VERY broad, the animations downright silly and the only thing not 100% horrible about the film is the music--which is only somewhat bad. Not a film to watch on a full stomach. No, not because it's gory, but because it's so incredibly bad!

***This review may contain spoilers***No one watches a David Decoteau film for its brilliant artistry, but he's really stretching the point here. Of course the "plot," dialogue, acting, and special effects are all predictably subpar, but who cares about that stuff when all you're really looking for is a chance to check out some half-naked studs?Still, while I get that Decoteau needs to churn this stuff out at warp speed 10 in order to turn a fast buck, maybe he'd like to add an extra minute or two to his wham-bam shoots to achieve a level of passable cheesiness. You'd think he'd at least want to rise to the level of bad camp. If he keeps up this rate of nonstop hackery, he's going to make Ed Wood look like Martin Scorsese.Anyway, this mess--"film" is too strong a word---features the usual stable of cute guys wandering around a SoCal manse in their tighty whities, showering, spraying themselves with a garden hose, or writhing on the bed in the throes of a semi-wet dream induced by the cougar coven. (No full on nudity, alas.) Then the girls perform some kind of ritual on their victim de jour before turning him into meaty Meow Mix, big cat division. (No worries for the gore-averse: we're shown nothing.) Scenes with these images are repeated endlessly. That's about it for dramatic action.On the plus side, there are many LOL moments. The line readings are invariably (if often inadvertently) hilarious, the feline growls on the sound track are straight off one of those Halloween FX CD's you can buy at WalMart, and what passes for visual effects---especially scenes where a still of an open-jawed cougar head is superimposed on the witches' faces---would have been laughable even in an early 50's sci-fi/horror flick.

I have watched almost every David Decoteau movie he made in the 80's to the early 2000's. From Dreamaniac to Leeches. COUGAR CULT is really nothing like those. Yes, he got our beloved Scream Queens back, but sadly gave them very little to work with and spent too much time filming shirtless guys taking showers or sleeping in the middle of the day in nothing but underwear for no apparent reason. I like eye candy as much as the next gal, but the only reason I bought (yes, BOUGHT) a copy was for Michelle, Linnea and Brinke. Don't get me wrong, I will continue watching DeCoteau movies, especially if he casts the ladies, just give them more to do.Linnea gets the more screen time if I remember correctly than Brinke and Michelle. There really isn't that much dialog or action. Just the would-be-victims whining about not knowing how to give a massage, clean a pool or cook."Cougar Cult" wasn't that bad really, only 2 things bothered me: the very silly cougar effect used when the ladies turned into cougars and the repeated shower/sleeping scenes. I know this was shot in 2 or 3 days so maybe that's why those scenes seemed to linger forever (to add to the running time).I hope this this sells enough units/downloads, for a sequel with less barely dressed boys and more of the trio.