As holiday songs play for both Dana Andrews and his waiting family, tragedy occurs as he drives home for a festive Christmas. He's left a shell of himself, a weakened businessman who needs to vegetate before he can return to his career. As his family heads to their new destination, a group of speeding teens begin surrounding them, bringing fear to the seemingly cookie cutter family. Dad Andrews and mom Jeanne Crain have two children, but unfortunately, their teenaged daughter Laurie Mock looks more like a much older "B" girl with her "groovy" frizzy black hairdo than the actual "B" girl accompanying the collegiate looking thugs.What essentially seems like an hour long episode of some mid 1960's trashy T.V. show has been lengthened by extended car chases, extremely bad dancing and a genuinely tacky atmosphere. Poor Andrews and Crain seem truly embarrassed by being in this movie which ain't no "State Fair". It's obvious that there's more to the harassment by these animalistic jerks than what's on the surface, and that revelation is pretty lame. Also really ridiculous is the conclusion where Andrews plays a wonderfully dirty trick on his harassers then basically wraps things up by playing the martyr. I don't think anybody in this situation would do society the favor by turning the other cheek. That would be dangerous in 1967 and certainly deadly today in 2014.This reminded me of another "normal citizen in danger" movie, "Lady in a Cage", the 1964 movie where Olivia de Havilland dealt with thugs who broke into her house and robbed her while she watched them from her elevator. Both films contain subject matter that is very disturbing to see, but in the case of "Lady in a Cage", the film was more successful because of the way the narrative played out and the fact that there really was nothing she could do. In "Hot Rods to Hell", Andrews pretty much does nothing. Most men his age would simply buy a gun and retaliate when their entire family is put in jeopardy. So therefore, the three part tragedies are his accident which leaves him weakened, the family's harassment and the script which pretty much destroys any sense of reality by letting these thugs get away with what their doing rather than allowing the hero to do what any red-blooded American father would do. I say blow these animals off the road and off the planet, 'cause it's obvious that they would continue to be a menace to society no matter how Andrews resolves the situation.

To me, "Hot Rods to Hell" is a pathetic sequel to the character that Dana Andrews played in "Best Years of Our Lives" who tells Peggy (played by Teresa Wright) that all he wants is a good job and a house and a family: in short, the American Dream. By the end of that film, we know that he will marry Peggy and do whatever he has to in order to earn that American dream. "Hot Rods to Hell" takes place twenty one years later, Dana Andrews is married to "Peg" and he has a rebellious teenage daughter and a standard, cookie cutter, gingerbread boy son of about 13. The nightmare scene that he does in "Hot Rods" so much resembles the nightmare scene that he did in "Best Years" that I expected him to again call out, "Bail out! Gredofusky! Bail out!" I wonder how many people in 1967 bailed out of the movie theaters or drive-in movies after that scene appeared - or later wished they had if they stayed to the bitter end.

As a rule I enjoy an old "B" picture, but this one is so bad that I kept watching to see if it got any worse. It is in no way a "So bad it's great" movie unless you had really gone to the drive in for some horizontal boogie. What on earth were two 40's stars doing is this showcase of really bad acting? I can only assume that someone was out to cash in on juvenile delinquent movies but was 10 years too late. Had it been made in the 1950's it would have fitted the period, but 1967!!The squeaky clean JD's looked like Saturday morning missionaries from the Latter Day Saints or Jehovah's Witnesses, the kind who operate in twos as you are trying to catch up with the yard work and won't believe that you are a Muslim/Buddist/Jew/Roman Catholic or atheist (whatever comes to mind). The wife and children were reduced to looking scared and grabbing each other with frightened looks. Father stuck out his jaw and tried to defend them, although I wondered why he bothered. These films usually have a plucky child who comes to the rescue. This family was just wimpy. Jeanne Crain's overacting was simply excruciating to watch and should be shown in acting schools as an example of what not to do. Unless you have time to spare and just want a good laugh, this film belongs on a Mystery Science Theater type show. Throw the popcorn and blow rasberries.

The main problem that I have had while watching Jeanne Crain movies of the 1940s and '50s is that I get so engrossed in marveling at her incredibly beautiful face that many times I will "zone out" on her lines completely. (My fellow men who have been on dates with really hot-looking women may perhaps sympathize with me here!) But who would have guessed that I would suffer a similar problem with a Crain film from 1967, when the actress was 42? In "Hot Rods to Hell," Jeanne plays Peg Phillips, who, with her recently injured husband (Dana Andrews; yes, Crain's beau from 1945's "State Fair") and two kids, drives cross-country to begin a new life at the California desert motel/restaurant they've just purchased. En route, they run afoul of a gang of hot-rodding juvenile delinquents, putting Dana's recently compromised manhood to the test.... Originally filmed as a TV movie, and looking it, this is a moderately suspenseful film that is basically good clean fun. Mimsy Farmer almost steals the show here as one of the jd's who will try anything for kicks; she is one sexy hoot. Some pretty cool music is provided at the Phillips' motel bar by Mickey Rooney, Jr. and His Combo (!), and some mildly gripping, fast-speed highway sequences help liven things up. I did, however, have some problems with the film. The punks that Dana goes up against are waaaay too easily dealt with, and Dana's character himself is a hopeless square, even for 1967. At the film's end, he vows that he will close down the Arena, where Rooney's band was playing, even though all that was going on there was some rock 'n' roll music, kids drinking root beer, some dancing and making out. What the heck is so bad about that?!?! The film surely could have benefited by some tougher bad guys and a more sympathetic leading character to root for. Still, there IS Jeanne Crain's face, surely one of the Seven Wonders of the Silver Screen....