I've had a mini-poster of this one ever since I saw it advertising the flick and begged it from the owner, but never saw the actual movie. So recently I went for it after downloading the trailer and seeing all those G-strings, so, yes, market researchers, making trailers available on the Net is Great Advertising, and, yes, market researchers, sex, and nudity, sells big-time.My imported DVD, a Red Carpet Special, was a double bill feature, and I was worried about the running partner being dorky, but not too worried, as it was another Corey Feldman movie, ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER which I thought night well be perhaps just like a naughty episode of BEVERLY HILLS 90210.Don't I wish! For all of those of you who go blech!!! over SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, go watch RARHSF. You'll come crawling back to dear old SBA on your hands and knees, kissing its feet!In both movies, Corey Feldman is the epitome of white trash. This is because Corey Feldman lives to be the epitome of white trash on film.But SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, though light on dim- witted plot, at least has something to look at almost the whole time as you struggle through the inane script. Unfortunately, contrary to most expectations, there aren't many breasts in this movie, so don't be fooled by the other reviewers, who are sadly mistaken by the gamut of surgical creations that have usurped the spaces once held by natural appendages. Hell, girls, all of you in this movie, you're damn pretty things, with your long legs, slinky midriffs, long, long hair, and those curvy asses, but really! You had to go and get yourself all cut up for yucky implants? Fortunately there are loads of rear views! And great ones at that!The script stinks! The movie stinks! Corey Feldman is a low-down stinker! Should have been shot after this miserable performance!But it is a hundred times better than that projectile vomit inane schoolboy comedy ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER. This one might well be the absolute bottom of the barrel, but ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER is what is stuck underneath that barrel on a hot summer's day and you wouldn't want that to stick to your shoes.One obtains SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY to watch the girls. As such, there is plenty of fine damsels, even if there are too many boobjobs. Don't expect anything more from it than titillation.The opening credits of the movie is really all you need, boys. Just take away all that pesky names of stupid actors, and that irritating beach ball, and put it on Repeat over and over and over, hell, few guys, except you budding Einsteins, would complain. Gee, I should have designed this titles' DVD presentation. Could have done away with the lame plot altogether.What did I like? Plenty of dream girls, the lead actress held possibilities, but she was undermined by the poor script. And Ron Jeremy uncredited! But the very, very best thing is newcomer Julia Lynn Cialini, a Playboy centerfold. Hey, she could have been in MELROSE PLACE! She is one of the few girls here not seen nude, pity! but her performance as the sexually overt Phyllis Glass could only have sunk her chances at crossing over to mainstream. Which is a shame, as she'd have been formidable competition for contemporaries Christina Applegate and Nikki Cox (MARRIED WITH CHILDREN and UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER respectively). Wasted opportunity, Hollywood!I should have been a casting agent...I wince when those volleyball-playing girls hit the sand. Beach sand, but they obviously get hurt. And there seems to be a fetish for that in this movie. Fake boobs, bare butts, and girls diving for the ball, hitting the sand. Ouch!Avoid that Rock and Roll thing like the plague. And kill Corey Feldman.

Awkward, but eager virgin Billy Spencer (Corey Feldman in fine comic form) goes to South Beach in Florida to see his hunky, yet decent and sincere brother Harry (amiable Keith Colouris) and score with the chicks. Problems ensue when oddball compulsive gambler Uncle Gene (the always lively and delightful Al Lewis) bets the family business as collateral on a high stakes volleyball game against a rival team owned by evil mobster Johnny Staccato (a perfectly slimy portrayal by James Hong). Harry enlists the aid of sweet former Olympic athlete Shannon McSorley (winningly played by the delectable Elizabeth Kaitan) and her friends to form a team to play in the big game. Director Joe Esposito, working from a cheerfully inane and immaterial script by William R. Milling, keeps the picture breezing along at a constant snappy pace, fills the screen with a scrumptious bevy of gorgeous babes in varying stages of undress (there's a pleasing plethora of bare breasts showcased throughout), and relates the blithely dumb and undemanding no-brainer humor in an affably carefree manner. Ron Jeremy contributes an amusing performance as sleazy club owner "Weed" Wacker. Among the lovely ladies who make a favorable impression are luscious brunette Lorelei Leslie as sassy singer Harley, Julie Lynn Cialini as sultry barmaid Phyllis Glass, and Amy Lynn Rosenthal as fierce rival volleyball team leader Erika. Wes Llewellyn's bright, crisp cinematography lovingly leers on all the lithe, shapely, and well-tanned bikini-clad hotties. Grant Saidiner's bouncy score and the groovy-jammin' rock soundtrack further enhance the infectiously idiotic merriment. Fun schlock.

Back in the 60's, beach movies had casts filled with unattractive actors (Frankie & Annette). In the 80's, beach movies had some attractive ladies, but most of the guys (with the exception of Grant Cramer) were still too wiry. In the 90's, the made-for-video beach movies finally got it right, but if your movies are MFV affairs, whose going to care?This movie wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. Mixing up every cliche it can muster, we have a film about a couple of brothers trying to help a woe-be-gone uncle from losing his shirt from a crafty rival through a beach volleyball game. Admittedly, they did put a lot of twists and turns in this one, but there are painful moments here with the acting. Elizabeth Kaitan sounds like she has something stuck in her voice. Al Lewis gets under your nerves, and James Hong delivers every Asian stereotype again. Still, the women are hot and Miami is a gorgeous city as depicted in the film, so if you're into this, by all means take a dip. Just stay out of Club Madonna. My trip to Miami was nice, but it felt more like the S Club 7's.

"South Beach Academy" is one of the few movies that I am embarrassed to admit having seen. I write these comments not to provide any intellectual critique of the film (for there was literally very little to comment on), but to serve as a warning for any fool just about to go and spend a couple of bucks renting it on video.Only diehard Corey Feldman fans would ever go near this stinker, and even they are bound to be disappointed. Feldman is a genuinely talented actor with a sharp wit, and one can sense throughout this film that even he is taking it all with a grain of salt. He delivered sensational performances in "Stand By Me" and "The Goonies" (among others), and in a way it is sad to see him in this woeful exploitation movie.The plot is too simple and idiotic for words, so I will not deal with it here. Indeed, there simply isn't much plot to comment on. Something about a beach and a volleyball game - I couldn't elaborate, because it seemed that I was dropping in and out of a coma while watching the film. The acting from everyone apart from Feldman is wooden (and Feldman is brought down a couple of notches as a result), and the only laughs I got from this show were at the expense of the actors themselves, (if such a term is allowable).I'm an admirer of the 'bad film' genre, and "South Beach Academy" is certainly a bad film, but its problem is that it tries a little too hard to be a good film. The characters are confused - they don't know whether to act or to ham, and they end up doing a curiously amusing combination of the two.But let's get one thing straight - the film contains scene after scene of gratuitous nudity, which seems to be its main selling point. The question here is - why bother? Dozens of this type of film have already been produced, and if you're really into that sort of thing, just find a movie on late-night television - there's bound to be one showing soon.I am angry and frustrated that I lost a couple of valuable hours of my life watching this rubbish. If this review dissuades any potential viewer from renting the video, I shall be a happy man.