I like to exercise early in the morning on an exercycle, and I keep my mind off the time by watching a tension-filled movie. At 5 am, there are few good choices. This morning I watched Valentine's Day, and discovered that what little tension exists in this movie is the uncertainty about how bad it will get.Everyone in this movie seems to be dialing in their performances from Cliché Central except for the lead actress (which isn't Rae Dawn Chong, despite the billing on the poster and HBO). She is truly terrible -- she sounds drunk and/or stoned while giving monotone readings of her lines. Despite her extensive nude scenes with Mario Van Peebles, she fails to generate any energy at all. Simply put, she's boring as hell on screen.The story concept may have been interesting in the hands of a better writer, but where Someone To Watch Over Me managed to squeeze some entertainment, VD simply paints by the numbers. Randy Quaid's snarl isn't enough to inject life into this dog. Don't bother unless you have insomnia and are desperate for the cure.

Detective Jack Valentine is reinstated from his desk job to go back onto the streets. His first assigned ends with the death of a mobster who was about to turn states evidence. The killing came as the mobster was with his girlfriend Alma. Jack suspects Alma of being involved - even more so when he finds her involved with one of the mob family, Michael. However he begins to fall for her himself and finds himself involved in the deadly game where not everything is what it seems.This is essentially an erotic thriller- you know the sort, a crime thriller that has several sex scenes before ending with a silly twist just to look for a way to end it. Now this decides to go a different way, it decides to be an erotic thriller but without any sex or sexual tension. The plot is silly - it really is the usual erotic thriller line of is the woman a goodie or a baddie, much the same as Basic Instinct did with Sharon Stone. Unfortunately without a good thriller plot or any erotic material this makes it a pretty empty film. And if you can't roughly guess the "twist" then you probably are very naive.Mario Van Peebles is OK - this type of stuff is all he seems to do nowadays (although he does get parts in big films such as Ali), he's not a great actor so this type of material means he doesn't look out of place. The erotic focus of the piece is Zerha Leverman's Alma and unfortunately she's terrible. She can't act and she isn't sexy in the way that someone irresistible would be - I'm sorry but even at the start when dressed as a naughty schoolgirl she isn't as convincing as Stone was. Randy Quaid is wasted in this - but his performance here doesn't convince you that he deserves any better. Same could be said of Rae Dawn Chong except she rarely gets better than this.The film is a failure - I don't care if it's a TVM that's not an excuse for being poor. The "action" scenes can be summed up by a gunfight in the first 5 minutes, Peebles and mobster exchange fire across a gap of 10 feet separated by a bin and a car and no one gets hit - it's pure Naked Gun. All possible sex scenes start after the action has finished - I'm not looking for sex in a movie but if it's an erotic thriller without any erotic elements then something has gone wrong somewhere.Overall a film that lacks in every area - plot, actors, action, sex. Why waste your time?

I had to cut this movie some slack when I realized that it was a TV movie. Then I smartened up and thought they deserve what they get. This momentary lapse was perhaps caused by a vague bias towards Mario Van Pebbles. Its a bit of a shame he can't can't act any better. The movie is a cop-mob movie not an action movie. It has a couple of sex scenes which are fairly explicit, to distract you from the mediocre nature of the movie. While the makers didn't do a great job, they didn't screw anything up either. They played it safe.

Don't be suckered by the artwork on the box; although the movie announces it's an "action" movie, 99% of the movie is action-free. It's a boring honest-cop/corrupt-cop/mafia story, with no likable or interesting characters. Actually, a lot of movie rips off BASIC INSTINCT, though interestingly, the filmmakers mostly just rip-off the non-erotic scenes from that movie. There are some sex scenes here (one quite explicit), but they aren't erotic; in fact, they are frequently unintentionally funny. Film also suffers from bursts of rapid and incomprehensible editing, and a "twist" ending that you'll see a mile away. And a real bland title ("Protector" - though better, I guess than the original title "Valentine's Day", which remains in the closing credits.) In short, this movie is for nobody, unless you want to see Randy Quaid with a shaved head.