Why would anybody want to dig up this worm's awful dirt movie? This Dennis Rodman's movie deserve to be buried. Don't get me wrong, Dennis Rodman was an alright basketball player, known for his fierce defensive and rebounding abilities, but he should have never reach the level of popularity that he got in the 90s. He was a nightmare, most of the time. He became notorious for numerous controversial antics. I'm not talking about his repeatedly dyed his hair in artificial colors, piercing or tattoos, I'm talking about his regularly disrupted games by clashing with opposing players and officials, missing practice, and being a total ass. I guess, this 'Bad Boy' persona work for him, and he turn to films to launch him, even further. Dennis Rodman is not the worst athlete turn actor, I ever saw, surprising, but he's clearly not anywhere near the best like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. There has only been one awesome tattoo cover, multi-color hair, black man named Simon and that's Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) from the movie, 1993's Demolition Man. Sadly, this movie actor is not in that level. Directed by Kevin Elders, Simon Sez tells the story of Interpol agent Simon (Dennis Rodman) whom job is it, to gather up information about the weapons trade on the French Riviera and trying to pinpoint the man at its center. Meanwhile, Nick Miranda (Dane Cook) -- an old classmate of Simon's -- asks him for help. Nick needs to rescue his employer's daughter, Claire Fence (Natalia Cigliuti) who appears to have been kidnapped by the same people that Simon is tracking down. The pair must get to the bottom of the increasingly dangerous situation with the help of two cyber monks: Micro (John Pinette) & Macro (Ricky Harris) and a feisty woman (Emma Wiklund), to rescue the woman and save the day. While, the movie can be funny with it's over the top action, the supporting comedy relief characters are just unwatchable and unfunny. I really can't stand Dane Cook with the annoying over-used animal impressions. He's overstay his welcome with the bed humping scene. Others characters that I hate, are the Cyber Monks. They should never be in an action scene, nor should they ever dance again. How come, they're not the same cyber monks from 1997's Double Team if this movie is supposed to be a spin-off? Honestly, those monks were kinda cool. Still, it seems like much more than mere coincidence that Dennis Rodman starred in two movies that feature Cyber Monks. Honestly, whom idea was it to have Cyber Monks in the first place? Those monks look like Franciscan friars, judging by their robes. Franciscan friars aren't adverse to most aspects of modernity. What's next? Virtual Amish!? It's seem really a bit of contradicted to practice their religion. Anyways, these Cyber Monks, in this film are just lame and obnoxious as hell. I can do without all the fat 'Free Willy' jokes. Even the villain, Ashton (Jérôme Pradon) hams it up. He's so cartoony in his line delivery. Clayton Day as Claire's father, William Fence looks like Robert Redford. I saw that some people mistake it for him, at the time. I really did mistake him for Redford, at the time, as well. Sadly, the movie has no season good acting. All of them were pretty mediocre. This movie is so over the top schlock, anyways. The poor literacy misspell title is lame attempt to look cool. Sez? What's does Special economic zone have to do with Simon? The half-baked plot is just as generic as other B-list action films of the time with a lot of kidnapping and looking for a disk to take over the world. There is a lots of filler scenes just to increase the run time with pointless fight scenes and stunts. Lots of awful wire-works action, with poor-time jumps and kicks. The movie suffer from poor action/reaction cutting. The impact gets completely lost. There is also a lot of fights goofs that they left in. The late 90s CGI special effects in this film are very fake looking. Scenes like the tunnel or the robot bee look so phony. Even the explosion look pretty scale down, when badly done models blow up or actors walking around in clearly no hidden blue screens. Another headache scene is the strobe light sex scene with Dennis Rodman and Emma Wilklund. I felt like I was having a seizure, watching it. Overall: it's a really bad spy movie that put too much campy spy clichés in it. If you're a fan of stupid movies. Then, watch it. It does have some it's so bad, it's good moments. If you know what you're getting into, turn off your brain, sit back and enjoy it. If you're very smart. Avoid it at all cost. Trust me, I wish I didn't see this film.

We all have had jobs where we are only there for the wage and have no allusion that it is a terrible job and that some day we will do better, but for now this will do. Well, I cannot imagine that filmmakers are any different and, as such, Simon Sez must have been one of the films where, eventually, everyone was just clocking in to get the job done, without any allusions about what a terrible piece of junk they were involved in. It is not any one thing about it that makes it terrible so much as, well, everything. The plotting is pretty poor to being with in general sweep down to the detail. Well, actually that is not fair because I suppose the overall kidnap plot could MAYBE have been turned into something good if every aspect of it was not so badly done. It isn't just the silly cars with parachutes built into them, or the stupid fight scenes but just how generally incoherent and cheap the whole mess feels.This feeds over into the characters which are either lazy clichés delivered in basic terms or, worse, embarrassing "comedy" characters that are as funny as being on fire. Of course we have all see "bad" films which are enjoyable because the action scenes work in big fun ways and I guess Simon Sez was never going to produce tension so this was the way to go. However it is never fun and instead the action sequences just feel so incredibly poor, like director Elders just thought pointing the camera at people firing guns or jumping around would be enough, which it isn't. The cast are perfect for this and they are roundly terrible. Rodman is a massive stiff board of a man without any of the fluid movement he showed in the NBA at his best and certainly none of the passion – he is the charisma version of dark matter. Dane Cook is worse though because he tries really hard. Now, I kinda like his goofy performances in other things but here he is given sh1t to work with and he performs accordingly with an unfunny and irritating character – his "get prehistoric" doesn't get shaken from the memory easily either it is so bad. None of the rest of the cast can do anything but one does have to give special mention to the unimaginative "comedy monks" who are painfully unfunny (Pinette and Harris) and the effete bad guy who is useless as a central villain.Simon Sez is a terrible film. It is not even a "bad" film with a bit of fun or action about it because the cheap and nasty production standards and poor ideas conspire to leave anything of value on the screen at any point. Those picking on Rodman as if it is all his fault are missing the point – everyone is to blame here because nothing about it is good. Not the direction, the scoring, the stunts (terrible wire-work), the acting, the dialogue, the story – nothing. It is a terrible waste of space whose only memorable thing is just how insulting to the viewer it is.

Yes, I agree, really, really bad.Do not be fooled, action film fans; the acting, the writing, the direction - really, really bad. Confusing. Dull. Even funny if it weren't so down-right... dull.That same year, Rodman made another action film as second "lead" to Jean Claude Van Damme. Fortunately, despite Rodman, Van Damme did most of the work and Rodman didn't do much but rent his name to the producers. That film was occasionally watchable.But here, Rodman actually pretends to be a movie star. Why? I dunno - the haircut I guess.Why does Hollywood toss money away on this sort of crap? Well, people buy it, I guess.Fortunately, I didn't; it was getting tossed out at a video store a bock down from where I live."Gee, if you're tossing it away, can I have it?" "Why? - it's just really bad!" Yeah, well, I had to find that out myself.You don't; trust me - it's really bad.

Wow. That's all I can say about this cinematic gem. Not only does it star Dennis Rodman (as the main attraction, not a co-star like in Double Team and Cutaway), which would be more than enough, but the film then goes on to spoil us with such great masters of the craft like Natalia Cigliuti (from Saved by the Bell: The New Class), and John Pinette (the guy who was robbed in the Seinfeld final episode). Sure, his sidekick guy, Dane Cook, was extremely annoying... but he was more than drowned out by the great performance by Rodman. The only thing that would have made this better for me, and ultimately this is the reason why I only gave it an 8, would have been the inclusion of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Had he been in the movie with Dennis, that would have made it a ten. Well, okay, I would have also liked to see maybe a Jeff Kober-type as the bad guy, instead of the wispy British guy they used. But for a movie that isn't Road House, it's hard to do any better.