The opening sequence was hypnotic, but why are we forced to read line after line after line of some bizarre story about a king and a motorcycle gang, and....I already didn't care and was bored out of my mind.Then the first main scene started, and we get to see 2 people kissing. for bout 5 minutes. ..... And nothing else........Wow. Gripping.The Ed Harris enters the scene and starts reciting Shakespeare, in a monotone voice that could only have come from massive amounts of drugs.Then his wife (the Queen? Whahhhh ???) joins the gang on screen, and sounds even more lifeless and bored than Ed Harris did.Computer-generated voices, reading the phone book, are far more interesting than whatever this is.If I watch the rest of this flick, I will surely have to kill myself, so I'm stopping now. Fifteen minutes in and it's already the worst movie I've seen in years.You've been warned.

Although most of the lines in the play are missing, I didn't have much trouble following the plot and characters. There are a lot of characters, but thankfully most of the actors' faces can't be confused with one another. I would have liked to have more dialog retained from the developing confrontation between Clotus and Guiderius, because it seems to become violent for insufficient reason. Overall, though, I think that the dialog works well because it isn't recited in a stentorian style. Everyone is rather quiet, even when making terrible threats, and I think the quietness is what saves the language from incongruity in the modern setting. On the other hand, after a while there seems to be a bit too much quiet, a lack of excitement. If the excitement won't come from the drama of Shakespeare's language, where can it come from? The movie refrains from digressing into manic action sequences, nude scenes, stunt- heavy car chases, or dance numbers, and that's fine, but it doesn't grip us with the characterizations either and so I'm afraid it remains a neatly accomplished intellectual exercise.

Michael Almereyda once again stuffs a Shakespearean play into modern day society and comes up with an incomprehensible mess. His film of "Hamlet" at least used as its framework an enduring masterpiece with themes as relevant to today's world as when it was written. But "Cymbeline" is an obscure, rarely produced oddity from Shakespeare's canon which employs unlikely plotting centered on obsolete sexual morality which has no relevance to today's world. Why Almereyda thought this archaic chestnut needed to be set in the present day is baffling.It is up to the actors to inject some life into this dull mess and for the most part, they are not up to the task. Dakota Johnson is stunning to look at as the ill-used Imogen, but gives a one-note performance that is insufferable to watch. Ethan Hawke brings to the evil Iachimo the same dull monotone that he employed as Almereyda's Hamlet. And Penn Badgley makes the gullible Posthumus seem like a refugee from a boy band. Only Delroy Lindo and Ed Harris project the charisma necessary to make their characters interesting, although demoting Harris' Cymbeline from the King of Britain in the original text to the head of a motorcycle gang is unimaginably reductive.Almereyda seems to have a fetish for updating Shakespearean drama into the modern world and has no issue with pummeling it into a different shape to fit his concept no matter what the Bard's original intention was while writing it. The approach worked intermittently with "Hamlet" but fails completely with "Cymbeline." Almereyda would be well advised to seek out contemporary stories to make films of and leave Shakespeare alone.

Greetings again from the darkness. The writings of Shakespeare are certainly timeless and it's often quite fun to watch filmmakers or stage directors bring The Bard's stories into a contemporary setting. A fine example is director Joss Whedon's modern and quite enjoyable twist on Much Ado About Nothing a couple of years ago. Director Michael Almereyda had success with his modern day Hamlet in 2000, and here he re-teams with his Danish Prince from that one (Ethan Hawke) to bring one of Shakespeare's lesser known "problem plays" to screen.This modernization turns King Cymbeline into a Biker gang leader (Ed Harris) as he battles not the Romans, but rather a corrupt police force led by Vondre Curtis-Hall. As one would expect there is no shortage of deceit, violence and love of the "wrong" person. There are numerous sub-plots intertwined with the desire of the King and his Queen (Milla Jovovich) to marry her daughter (Dakota Johnson, 50 Shades of Gray) to his son (Anton Yelchin). Before your stomach turns, it should be pointed out that both kids are from previous marriages. It's not surprising to discover that the daughter is really in love with someone of whom the Royal parents don't approve – a brooding skateboarder (Penn Badgley).The assembled cast is quite impressive. In addition to those previously mentioned, we also have Peter Gerety, Bill Pullman, Delroy Lindo (always great), John Leguizamo, Spencer Treat Clark (the kid from Gladiator) and Kevin Corrigan. The issue here is not the acting talent, but rather that some seem more comfortable with Shakespeare speak than others. Hawke, Yelchin and even Ms. Johnson seem to embrace the dialogue, while Leguizamo, Harris and especially Badgley are fish out of water. And for some reason, Ms. Jovovich is mostly wasted despite adding much appreciated spirit to a couple of scenes.Describing this as Shakespeare's "lost masterpiece" is quite a stretch, but there is always some pleasure in hearing his words spoken. It's just a shame when the project lacks energy and is lethargic in pacing … two elements that prevent us from ever connecting with any character. Still, any film that features a sky blue AMC Pacer can't be all bad.