Full Disclosure: I saw it in a nearly empty theatre and was concerned I'd be removed for laughing.I have something in common with the cast of this film: I did no research before a film called Slender Man. Goodness, this is a terrible movie. How it was not a straight-to-Netflix release is the most mysterious and scary thing about it. I forget the rating, but you can take little kids to it. It's not a frightening film at all.The plot, such that it is, involves five basic and very stupid teenage girls with impossibly basic names like Haley, Chloe, Wren, Leslie, and Katie. The girls possess about as much intelligence, courage, and resourcefulness as the Scooby Doo gang. Unfortunately for them, they also possess a link to a Slenderman video, which they watch during a camping trip. Or sleepover. It doesn't matter.Katie is the first to go, unless I've confused her with another character. Her absence bothers the remaining girls enough to finally sit down research Slender Man on the Google. They really struggle with the concept, but eventually come to understand that Slender Man is sighted by folks all over the world and is responsible for most missing children cases. You know, *that* Slender Man. The one from the Internet!What makes this an awesomely bad movie, rather than merely boring one, is how rudely Sylvain White treats his audience. I felt like I was being insulted by Donald Trump after sharing my "belief" that the human body isn't really like a battery. Some insults came in the form of overtly referencing other horror films like The Ring, Silent Hill, and even Hausu. (Who does that? Who includes Hausu references and expects their viewers no to laugh?) Other insults were verbal. Characters explained things I'd just seen or already understood because they were so easy to understand. Characters asked each other if they were okay when they obviously were not. The music and sound effects were equally insulting. Slender Man's bell sounded like it came from a cartoon. Slendy himself looked like he was wearing a tight-fitting sheet face mask he bought off Amazon.If you enjoy stupid horror films-and I do-this can make for an entertaining theatre experience. Do you want to miss one of the funniest sex scenes ever committed to film? See it before the RiffTrax version so you can tell your friends.

We almost got out of it, that bottomless pick of garbage. But this film ended our chances, it breaks my heart. But I think the horror genre is dead, and that's why this is the worst horror film ever made. The acting is horrible, the story is abysmal, its hilarious to watch this horrible accident unfold in front of your eyes.

After watching this movie I was enlightened into the octopuses garden. I was sitting in the theater and I realized that if you say slenderman backwards it spells sucon, sucon these toes boi. My favorite part of the movie is during the oversong the font was absolutely phenomenal. During the annual linguini festival I believe the slender man gains some weight because he enjoys the pound cake served during afternoon tea. But the reason this movie is a classic is purely due to the movie itself brilliantly done Sylvain White!

Sometimes a single line of dialogue can stand out in such a way that you instantly realize that a movie is awful. For 'Slender Man,' that line came from Joey King. "He's like a computer virus except he gets inside your body and messes with you!" Oh, so you mean like a virus? Why didn't you just say, "he's a like a virus." Several times throughout the film, that sort of hack writing shows its ugly face (as opposed to Slender Man, who technically can't be ugly because he has no face). There are zero clever lines delivered. Most of dialogue sounds like it was written by a Twitter bot designed to simulate mundane teen talk. The putrid writing isn't limited to the dialogue-the characters themselves contain about as much detail as one could write on a Post-it note. I think of the four main characters as, girl A, girl B, girl with a sister, and token non-white girl. They're essentially indistinguishable from one another. The only difference is that some are slightly more talented performers, and, of course, the most talented girls are the first to disappear from the story. What's really striking about the girls is that, even though they're allegedly best friends, they don't even seem to like each other. At one point, I girl makes a catty, resentful remark about her "friend's" trophies. Later, she says, "I thought you didn't care about track. I thought you cared about Chloe." (It's a miracle that I remember her name). That moment is striking for a couple reasons. One, it doesn't seem like something that should be said between good friends, and, two, I hardly realized the girl ran track. Probably because it's never shown in the movie. I imagine the track angle played a larger role in an earlier draft then removed, but this line was left in. Editing isn't the movie's strength. When the girls aren't making odd comments to each other or expressing all the liveliness of a folding chair, they're attempting to appear scared. To show that they're scared, they basically do an impression of a panting dog that's trying to speak. It's a lot of breathing and stammering. Acting is also not this movie's strength. All the above flaws are enough of a turnoff, but the worst offense of this movie is that it's scary movie that's not scary. It's painfully dull and devoid of anything that may actually make it entertaining. It's as if all the interesting scenes were removed. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe they also cut out the parts that made this appear to be a coherent story. 'Slender Man' is one of the worst movies of 2018. It's not a scary movie that's so bad that it's secretly kind of fun. It's just a bad, boring movie. I recommend a hard pass.